Hi everyone, just felt like writing a little journal before I go to bed. I've spent the past couple days in epic battle with my computer over a rather huge
game assignment, but I have finally conquered the game itself and will finish up the guide tomorrow. Either Friday or Saturday, we get to meet up with lovely
in Amsterdam. If you guys don't know her, she's the dedicated webmaster of Northcastle, a very special Zelda website.
Other than that, my husband got home late tonight with a very interesting story to be had. Turns out on the way home, he saw an old woman take a bad spill on her bike and her groceries went everywhere. He immediately went to help and see if she was ok, and while he was helping her gather her groceries, some young punk ran up to the old woman and stole her wallet from her. My husband immediately ran after the culprit, caught him, pinned him against a wall vigilante style and forced the guy's hands behind his back. Some startled onlookers called the police, but what happened was quickly sorted and a couple big-guy witnesses helped guard the thief while my husband finished helping the old woman with her groceries. The police came and took the thief away and the old woman was very grateful, so much so she gave my husband 30 euros for his help (which is very sweet). I couldn't be prouder of my husband, and I can only imagine how shaken that poor woman was!
Other than that and being terribly dedicated to my work, of which I honestly have too much, I've been reflecting a lot lately. When I'm honest with myself, I know I'm very depressed. And you know, depression is something I've struggled with for many years of my life, but I've only just come to realize that depression doesn't mean you're constantly sad, miserable, and/or suicidal in the least. Instead I'm finding the subtle ways it affects me, and I've realized that you still smile and laugh when you're depressed. You can still appear completely happy and with it even when you're depressed. It's a bit of an eye-opener. I wish I could get help but alas, with the situation being what it is I no longer have health insurance, so I have no resources to get help. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'm realizing that I've put myself through so much more stress and struggle than need-be. For the first time in a long time, if not ever, I genuinely want help. That's a bit of a lump in the throat right there. It's similar to realizing this whole time, you've been pulling and carrying 50x more weight than necessary, and you've put it on yourself to do so, but now you realize you've been doing it this whole time and it's time to set it down. It's not helping anyone else carrying all that extra weight, but depression is complicated. It's not a simple decision to "be happier" that makes it go away. As has been pointed out to me before even by professionals, I'm still highly functioning. But as much of a blessing as that is, it's still very painful and something I struggle with. My heart literally feels heavy.
For some reason I felt like I had to get that out, that it offers a temporary relief. Maybe it's just me being honest with myself and acknowledging what I need, but regardless, it's difficult. Though I have peace in my spirit, my mind is full of doubt and fear and I feel troubled in the 2-dimensional sense when it comes to what will happen. Please continue to pray for me and my husband, that he'll get that 1-year contract we need soon so that I can stay. I can't tell you what I'd give to have that. We'd be living life again! But in the meantime, we make the most of what we have and the time we have. I just hope and pray with everything in me that things will turn out ok.
And thus ends my 1am muse. I wish you all the sweetest of dreams, and speaking of dreams-- if any of you ever find an interpretation for reoccuring dreams of finding yourself on train tracks, which seem to multiply endlessly, and you dodge trains left and right but never get hit and eventually make it to safety-- well then, please do share what it means.