Hey everyone, I hope all is well with all of you. I just wanted to send an update your guys' way and let you know that I made it home safely. The flight was delightfully uneventful and the passport check went very smooth.
It's really good to be home, but at the same time I've had a severe wave of depression and emotional crash overtake me upon arriving that I really wasn't expecting. Even as the plane was descending to land, I was waiting for us to clear the cloud layer and realized the white wouldn't vanish, because the ground was covered in snow. Tears streamed from my eyes that I had missed it. When I finally got back home, it wasn't like I had envisioned it, and walking back inside was actually a very sad experience. I was surprised, thinking I'd be overjoyed and smiling, and instead I started crying and sobbing. It felt like an empty shell, so full of sadness. It was a huge reminder of how long I had been gone. Jake's gone, it feels like there's a huge hole. A lot of the "special wife's touches" that I did to the house have fallen into disrepair and need to be completely redone, but it's difficult since it's not just me and my husband, but my sister-in-law is also living here now, so it's very very different. Above all, as much as I try to have hope, as soon as I start to relax about being back home again and enjoy it, that primal fear of not knowing if I can stay creeps up and steals my heart and my hope away.
So simply put, it's been very difficult. What I thought would be an exceptionally joyful experience has actually been an incredibly sad one. We didn't get good news back about the job interview today, either. My husband has written a letter trying to appeal for a second chance, which I dearly hope will somehow happen. When my husband does get a job with a one year contract, which I dearly hope is soon, we found out we'll need 1,200 euros to pay for my papers immediately. Obviously, we don't have that. I've already considered selling off large, valuable portions of our Zelda collection to make it happen. I'd part with all of it in an instant just to have the security of being able to stay home.
I'm not really sure what else to say right now. It's not all sad, for example Elwood's sweet as ever. However, I could use some prayer and encouragement. I really want to be able to stay home and have it feel like home again.